You rescued Europe with the Marshall Plan To end the great war you nuked Japan You killed Osama Bin Laden - an evil man Heck, you even took on the Taliban You gave us Google and Amazon Also Facebook, that greatest con And the NBA, an exemplar of brawn It seemed there was nothing you could not spawn You helped defeat Al Qaeda and Isis You led the world out of the financial crisis You found vaccines for polio and typhus Because of your work, how safe our life is You landed on the moon and came back You invented Xanax and gave us Prozac You fed the world with fries and the Big Mac Anything that’s fancy is still a Cadillac You created the PC and the iPhone You cooked up the hot dog and the waffle cone You taught us to fight our wars with a drone Of human progress you became the touchstone Now a tiny virus has you in its throes Like a deer in headlights you appear to have froze Every day your stock market plumbs new lows It looks like The Emperor Has No Clothes!
Years from now, in a very special place Many souls were gathered around a fire I was there too, a fly on the wall… The first to speak was a brave little man His valor seemed to belie his stature I should never have sent them to Russia, he said My ambition put my fellow soldiers in harm’s way I was wrong Next up was a bespectacled gent He looked like a Midwestern haberdasher There were many ways to end the Great War, he said I chose the very worst and thousands died in Japan I was wrong A mustachioed Russian was awaiting his turn He looked remorseful, as if he had killed someone I should never have incarcerated them in the Gulags, he said These great minds would have made my country even greater I was wrong Everyone fell silent as the fearsome Austrian spoke He looked like sanity had never befriended him I should not have believed that Aryans were special, he said I should not have wreaked havoc on those decent Jews I was wrong An old, toothless Indian in a loincloth spoke next He looked like he had fasted for days I should never have appeased that ambitious man, he said I should never have allowed religion to divide my land I was wrong A man who looked like a Chinese farmer was next to speak He bowed his head, as if ashamed The cultural revolution should never have happened, he said Millions of my countrymen would still be alive today I was wrong Then a tall, gruff Texan stood up and spoke His craggy face suggested he really cared for his people I should never have lied about that unwinnable war, he said Our men should have come home alive, welcomed like heroes I was wrong A timorous, secretive Californian spoke in a whisper He looked, well, pretty much like a crook I was a crook, he said, I am a crook, I will forever be a crook I should never have pretended to be anything else I was wrong A short, slight Cambodian now began to mutter He looked like he was consumed by an existential fear Genocide, by any name, is an unforgivable crime, he said I buried my brothers and sisters in the Killing Fields I was wrong An old, bearded mullah got up to speak next He adjusted his turban and spoke in his soft, sinister voice The Religious Revolution went horribly wrong, he said I should never have ignored the will of my people in Islam’s name I was wrong Now it was the turn of yet another Texan This one wasn’t very smart and he looked like he knew it Even if he had the WMD, that was no excuse for the war, he said Four hundred thousand Iraqis did not deserve to die I was wrong The last one up was a big orange man, very fat but strangely also fit He wore, it seemed, a wig (badly made) of golden strands It was a bad idea to build that wall, he said It was a bad idea too to enlist the support of despots I was wrong Ah… a cold sigh escaped me As the special place froze over
You need a friend when you’ve got nothing to do
I want a friend who understands what I am going through
You need a friend when you want company for a drink
I want a friend who encourages me to think
You need a friend when all you want is empty talk
I want a friend who will support me, like a rock
You need a friend when your own life bores you
I want a friend who never, ever ignores you
You need a friend when you want to go to a restaurant
I want a friend who is a guide, a mentor, a confidant
You need a friend when you want someone to sing along
I want a friend who will help me write my own song
You need a friend when your other friends are all away
I want a friend who will think about me every day
A friend of mine is fond of saying
‘A friend in need is no friend of mine’
With friends like you I’ve come to learn
There’s a lot of truth in that old line
You go ahead and seek Holy Divinity
I am happy enough to celebrate my humanity
You go ahead and be one with your God
I will struggle with my demons, abjectly flawed
You go ahead and seek The Exalted State
I will be right here, pleading with my fate
You go ahead and lose that Ego Boundary
Just leave me here with my intractable quandary
You go ahead and seek that Holy Grail
I will shuffle and stumble as I grow old and frail
You go ahead and strive for perfection
I am content with my endeavor to seek direction
You go ahead and find the answer to The Question
I will just stay here, staring at my own reflection
You don’t belong here!
Because my religion is more inclusive than yours
Don’t tell me lies!
Because my religion is the only one that knows the Truth
Shut your mouth!
Because my religion is the most tolerant in the world
Off with your head!
Because my religion is the paragon of non-violence
March forward, soldiers!
Because my religion is all about World Peace
Give me that last morsel!
Because my religion wants to end World Hunger
I wish you would drop dead!
Because unlike your paganism, my religion is not Voodoo
I’ll lock you up!
Because my religion is all about freedom and liberty
Go to Hell!
Because my religion is the only way to Enlightenment!
My child – she is the picture of innocence
Your boy – he exudes moral decadence!
My religion? It is completely inclusive
But women in temples? That’s just intrusive!
Mine is not a provincial mind
Those Southies? They are all that way inclined!
Corruption? That’s the realm of politicians
Me? I just survive on my meager commissions!
I am the very paragon of cleanliness
My feet are dirty because your floor is a mess!
By nature I am hardly suspicious
But I just know you are up to something pernicious!
Everyone today is such a hypocrite
There are very few exceptions – in fact I am it!